Can't Sleep... too much coffee.

enjoi.

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It starts off emo...

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I had many friends before.

I’m staring up at the ceiling. The morning dawn struggles to light the darkness, but there are only shadows still.

I had many friends. My contact list was long, but how many of these people do I actually call? It’s six in the morning, who can I call at six in the morning? I remember when there were times when I could call friends at three in the morning.

Things have fundamentally changed in 2007. I now face that darkness again, the same darkness I ran away from so long ago. What’s different? I’m staring up at the ceiling.

Have I lost my friends?

I’m a completely different person, that’s how I reason the detachment feeling. I embarked on a journey solely. I was deep in a relationship, and I was immersed in this other world. Having lived that stretch of the journey, having loved so deeply, nothing is the same.

How can I expect anyone to know that feeling? There was after all only two people in the relationship. But that’s so silly, because I’m sure there existed one or two relationships long before mine right? I can’t be the only one whose ever felt this way.

I’m not the first, and I’m not the last. Still, it feels so desolate. I had many friends before.


I use to live for my friends. They were my purpose. Sadly, that gave way to my relationship. I mean before, friendship was it. I had many friends, and we went everywhere and did everything. I remember all the Vegas trips – there were many. I mean Hella. They were all memorable, and that was the trust. I remember San Diego & Mexico, crazy times, yeah times. That was living the life without worry. I remember the Mojave thunderstorms. I remember riding the butt-crack of Houston’s dawn only to barely make it back to SLO alive. I remember CalPoly, Irvine, and Davis – the lesser UCs you know. I’ll never forget any of those trips. New York went from a little boy’s dream of dreams, from Saturday morning cartoons and cereal, to living breathing New York. The Sepulveda/Sunset drives with Weezer and the Chili Peppers were our mini trips. My friends, you’ve seen me at my darkest, my most down, and out. You’ve seen me falter, fall, pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue. You are my lingering thoughts. You were and are the friends I chose. Be it to Walmart at twelve mid-night or be it to the Thirsty Scholars, You all are my trip.

Add to the list, just in time before we start a new year, San Francisco. Special thanks for that T-Man and Cathy. If anything, the bringing in the New Year with yous reminded me of what it was all for. I had a glimpse of my life before I changed. I don’t expect to ever be that same person, and that’s not to say that’s bad or good. Just know, despite it all – Life is a trip, and of course friendship is worth a parking ticket.

I have many friends still.

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...it ends with Happy New Year!

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If you were my real friend…

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The quick and dirty: Call me, I’d rather hear you voices than read some quick keyboard strokes.

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For those who care to be in the know:

So today’s a special day, and before the festivities begin, I wanted to speed yall up to date on the latest and greatest. I’m supposed to be out of town this weekend; I planned a weekend adventure up to Tahoe. Unfortunately, plans change. There in is the wisdom we all should take heed: hope fore the best, but plan for contingencies, because shit happens.

Not to say that my weekend is thrown to shit, no. (Hardly, I was planning on being emo anyway… I’m never happy about getting older.)

Quite the opposite, my dad’s in town. I can’t remember the last time I saw him, so it is a good gift. He’s changed… he’s older and I can see history in his eyes. The lines on his face tell of laughter, of love, of lost, and of life. Whenever I see him, I see my older brother… they look very much alike. On life, I am fortunate to have (though I have yet the opportunity) to meet my half siblings. Yes, the spoiled last child now, is an older brother to three younger siblings. Amazing.

Without going too much into the whole family dynamics, needless to say, I canceled on friends to see my dad. That’s the thing with Asian cultures see: family first. It’s not your birthday… it the day your parents brought you into this world. It’s not your day to begin with really, in all respect, it is their day. Of course, with all formalities, it’s nicer just to say that it is collectively our day.

So we are celebrating our day, and I will be having a party after all, as my dad wanted to do something special… but it’s more of a restaurant type party. Think of it as a Young and Dangerous type of restaurant party where it’s all about giving face. Obviously, I did not plan it, it’s supposed to be a surprise, and well… there will be alcohol and tons of old people. Respect.

Okay, so time and place: 6 or 7 PM, Grand Fortune Restaurant [on Senter Rd… all the way down towards the end… by the Monterey Rd train tracks (I cleverly refer to as “the tracks”) in the Marina Foods shopping plaza]

Come, don’t come whatever… in all actuality, I might bounce out early and go to Lido as my cousin is working tonight.

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“The Symbology” behind Strange Signs:

It’s in quotes because, “Yes! I know how to use quotes!” Something strange occurred as I turned on my computer to write these thoughts. My watch fell off my wrist. I was stunned with this poignant event. Today of all days, the strap on my watch gives…

What can this mean? is Time slipping away? Am I Running Out of Time? Is this... my Time?

I can honestly say that as I felt this weight lifted from my wrist while staring at my watch on the floor. Time did stand still for me. Cheesy? Symbology? I don’t know.

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Today has been brought to you by the letter L

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Getting inked has been on my mind since graduation. Well, actually, long before then, but it was seriously on my mind since then. I actually stepped into a tattoo shop (Kat Von D’s no less) and was about to go through with it. I had on my mind, at the time, the idea of a pinup girl and a robot concept… it wasn’t really planned out. If there are two things I enjoy the most right?

Still… I had this whole notion of having some sort of post apocalyptic robot dominated world picturesque mural on my back… moving images and everything :D I say that hoping there are some Bradbury fans out there.

So… in light of speaking to my sis today, I think I’m going forward with more concrete (as in more practical – less ideal) direction with my first ink session. No doubt, one’s not going to cut it… (okay I swear I’m not trying with the puns)… I just need something that looks good on its own, but will connect to the overall theme. That would be my mantra.

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Life. Love. Laughter.

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I forgot an important word… it’s been rough, speaking for myself, when I’m lost in my own world. I just get swept up in the madness and before long, I’m drowning in the chaos of life. But there’s more to life than the hustle and the bustle… the chaos is not all consuming. There is Love…(which admittedly is on hold – at least personal romantic Love). I think it’s taking a different form, and I’m honoring and cherishing the Love you have for your mother, as a son, and as a brother at the moment. There’s Laughter… which feels like few and far in between, but they’re there… and they happen often enough (the key is to fill our days with laughter no?). Life goes without speaking. Live life to it’s fullest (that’s the plan). Then there’s that other L-word. The one that I always knew but was not apparent to me as of late. What was missing was the Light.

The light represents awakening. It is knowledge, wisdom, and the search for higher truths. So powerful a word, that’s its counterpoint – the darkness fails by comparison. Think about it, the light always shines through the darkness, and well the darkness can’t penetrate through the light. Blah… abstract notions and this blog is already too long. Just think about it.

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L is for Light.

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Some new developments

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I’m feeling I can never be alone in San Jose – which is a good thing most of the times. After working all day I can actually go blow off steam hanging out with my friends, which is nice. It was such an occasion today in which I learned a few choice spots from Johnny. San Jose is becoming less and less of a mystery. I know the city’s big… not quite LA, but bigger than the valley… and growing.

So… I guess it falls on me to have adventures because supposedly I have hella free time, but in actuality I don’t. What with LSAT classes and now it turns out some “fun” college classes with my cousin… I might not have time between work, class, class, and skateboarding. Yes, that’s right, skateboarding. I did some of that today… getting my skateboarding legs in shape… maybe that would build momentum towards actually working out.

My mom’s still hurting… but she refused to go to the doctor’s again [it’s a wonder where I got that stubbornness from]. I got her to make an appointment for tomorrow, and I’m pretty much going to drive her there to make sure she gets treatment. I swear she needs to chill… it’s not like the work is going anywhere. Still, I tried my best to do as much as I can today. I figured if it’s done, than there’s nothing to worry about [though I’m sure she’ll find something].

My stepfather is considering an addition to the family… [Thinking positive, but as if there isn’t enough pressure…]. Who knows? This might push me even harder. Fuel for the flame… a fierce fire burning for a favorable future [See positive]. *note; I need to practice my other literary techniques, although alliteration is always awesome!P*

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Congratulations are in order.

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My cousin and my cousin-in-law had a child yesterday. Well, actually, my cousin’s wife had the child, and I’m sure my cousin did a great job watching/”supporting”. I just got the news today. The baby, a girl I believe [I need to confirm that], was born 6 weeks early weighing in at about 5 lbs. I can’t wait to see what she looks like, if she takes after her mom or her dad.

On the baby front, I met my aunt's baby girl today as well. It was my first time seeing the little thing. Very pretty, you can tell already. She has big eyes and light skin. She's half and half... which brings me full circle back to Johnny.

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The Little Half-&-Half Part of Life.

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So Johnny’s dealing with a proposal that I think is ridiculous. It sets up for a whole lot of hurt… but it’s his decision. I got to back my homie up on this one. This sucks because it falls on me to have fascinating stories… and for those who have been following my ongoing narrative… I’m pretty dull. Still, I’m not one to disappoint. Life is like coffee because its dark and bitter, but with a little half and half… it can be quite sweet. *see new technique, a simile [not one to disappoint], so smile.

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Worried.

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An early start goes awry. The early morning dispute led to a rather stressful Monday. I, of course, was a bystander. Mind you, not an innocent bystander, but I was the type of bystander who could have done something. Had I said something to defuse the situation spoke up sooner, made a joke… something? There are no innocent bystanders when an accident could have been prevented. This wasn’t an unexpected train accident. This was years of neglect letting the rails and tracks wear and tear. This was a train wreck tragedy. That was my morning.

Noon and afternoon was about taking care of my mom. Someone has to; she’s been doing everything else but that [including taking care of everyone else & me]. I took her mind away from the morning. It was too early in the week to start feeling aches and pains, but she was feeling them. I actually took her to the chiropractor– very impromptu, but much needed. She woke up with a sore shoulder. An acute pain that spread to her arm. Her left arm… so that’s not good… [I’m not a med student, but I know when it could be serious]. The morning dispute didn’t help, but the message did reduce her stress level. We pretty much took the rest of the day off – work in the office was just busy work with little exchanges after we got back from our 4 hr lunch [perks when your boss is Mommy].

I’m really concerned for her health. I knew she was overworked, overwhelmed, and overly stressed… just…

You know how your Mom teaches you the soothing diffusing techniques the best when you were little, like when you fell and scrapped your knew pretty bad, and you’re yelling, hollering, and screaming? She shooshes you softly saying reassuringly that it’s okay she’s here, it doesn’t look so bad, everything is and will be all right. That’s the power of Mommies, and that’s why no matter how old you get, you’re always her baby.

Well, it’s that way when you’re away in college too – she plays down the drama at home. There’s no need to worry about that, because to her you taking care of yourself is all she needs of you. One less person she needs to shoosh… and tend to.

That’s why I need to take care of my shits. That’s why I need to get my life in order.

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Very worried.
There’s only one person I know whose bled sweat and tears for me all my life.

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Two Haikus For You

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I remember you
The blue sweater you wore
Recalled too late though

Jimmy Jumping Bean
Jumped so far could not be seen
So long, Jimmy Bean


The first one’s called Devon’s Girl. The second one is called Where did Jimmy go?

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A million thoughts just sitting there

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Today I supported my Mom by attending her performance. It wasn’t just hers exactly. She’s been taking lessons, and it was her entire class that performed. She plays this Vietnamese/Chinese string instrument that you lay on your lap.

It was nice seeing what it was like on the cheering end. Usually, the parent cheers on the kids, but it was a role reversal. I was the one with the camcorder, going, “Go Mom!”

It was a banquet setup, so I sat at this table with a bunch of older people. So obviously my mind wondered when the performance transition to this Vietnamese folk opera. It was about four hours of this distinct music… the thing I do for my Mom.

When my mind wondered off, I thought of many things. I thought about my cousin Jimmy. He lives in Portland, Oregon, and it’s been almost ten years since I’ve seen him. I thought about our adventures. I thought of the time when a bus trip from Century 16 to Marina Foods led to the time we witnessed a gang battle over territory off of Seven Trees.

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What are you up to?

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I thought about my new old friend. I wonder what adventures you’ve had. So obviously I had time to come up with two clever haikus.

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