We held hands...
Underneath a table, side by side, my hand found yours. I played with your fingers and then eased them, yours and mine between each other. You gripped my hand, and I knew you weren't going to let go. Not now, not ever. We we made eye contact what was brief to anyone who noticed, but was an eternity for us. You slightly smiled and turned your attention towards our friends. It's been long since I've seen everyone, it's been long since I've seen you... but my feelings remain the same...
This conjured image so warm, based on life, and based in dreams...
I awaken. A lot can change in ten years. You might not even recognize me anymore.
I've been sick all week.
Maybe it's the air quality, though in truth, I was careless Monday. The extreme temperature between A/C and non A/C environments couldn't have helped any. Not drinking enough water doesn't help either. Drinking hella alcohol doesn't help either... seems like poor choices for a supposedly grown man.
"I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up"
So someone once said.
I still dream. Somewhere I got the idea that growing up would be like not dreaming anymore. Like waking up to the cold hard reality of it. Life just takes hold... and you stop dreaming. I wasn't far off... I hadn't dreamt in ages... I mean really dream. The longing wishing dreaming if there was an African Goddess in heaven type of dream... shit if this was how life worked out to be... I'd have you now. You'd have me..., but then I guess that might be a nightmare huh... depends on perspective. :/ yeah... changing subjects.
I'm going to die.
Not in the immediate future if I can hep it. But in all likelihood, the odds are set against me. I'm okay with mortality, but you question the necessity of the finite if what we have ahead of us... you know where we go after... if that's infinite, why the finite? Trial & error, test & judgment. Hell I'm screwed to begin with if life's one big exam. I'm a lousy test taker... and than the whole life is one exam after another takes on a whole new scale of meaning. St. Peter and his keys to the pearly gates, and Cerberus and his three sets of piercing eyes... doomed.
Then there's the other theory... the life is infinite theory... that the cycle continues and on and on with no end... your only escape is dying as an innocent a thousand times over. Which means for the ilk that is my kind, being born a badass wins me a ticket to eternity's-ville. Sorry, man, you're shit out of luck. Questionable, many of those close to me would roll their eyes at my claim to the badass category... yeah you're a real badass alright... but I'm saying... I don't worship evil... there's just this appeal... like a completeness that otherwise defaces our value. homo superior - that is man, is not without the light and the dark. Considering our roots... murder, rape and the various incarnations of said sins a thousand times over and you get the picture. Granted man doesn't go around raping and pillaging villages as much anymore (O_O yeah as much) and we're all cultured and civilized thank Jeebus... but we do it in otherwise. We kill each others time, we kill people's dreams, we destroy identities, we steal it, we rape it. It's far removed from before... but it's still there.
Consider Man. Today's man. He's far removed as well. No longer is he tied to just finding the means of surviving... hunting and gathering... we have evolved and so has our passions for destruction. Enlightenment is fooling us into thinking we can hide the shadows at our backs... that there is no heart of darkness... I beg to differ. Accept it. There's two sides to the coin. (P.S. yeah I just saw Dark Night, and yes you should watch it.)
So there's this side to me that's light and then there's this darkness. I apart of me dreams of hopeful things, Another is all fatalistic. There's this infinite life or death or both and there's an exam.. so listen up. Enlightenment if a candle that attracts moths which you can kill for fun by plucking their wings and in which case you're going to rot in hell of be reincarnated as a moth who gets killed by having its wings pulled off... and then there's this headache... because I drink too much, all of which will probably if not now sooner, will eventually later kill me. Thank you and goodnight.
She taught me what a boredom boner was. She taught me what it meant to be imprisoned by love. Love... I loved her before I even knew what it was... There's love in the Light..., but there's also a darkness about it. Like our souls, like our hearts... there's no escape. Save but then in my innocence in which I knew it ass pure and as white as a thousand supernovas collapsing into itself. And all that energy released and loss and brought back into itself. Love gives endlessly, and I'm there left never the same again. Someday I will find you again... I will tell you how you changed my life for the better... that had you not bribed the fake sheriff to put me in fake jail, I'd never have this feeling that was so real. So I can't die... not yet, not into I see you again.
