__________________________________________________________

"An iceberg hides it’s strength…

__________________________________________________________

It was one of those manic Mondays. Still, I had to update my blog eventually right? 

Just a recap since my last bout of insomnia: work, basketball, work, sorta study, basketball, and not getting paid.

That pretty much sums it up.
__________________________________________________________

…below the surface,"

__________________________________________________________

It is what it is, but I don’t have to like it. I’m actively trying to improve my situation, because I’m not happy. The last time some one seriously sat me down to ask, I was miserable. (Otherwise on the phone or per conversation, I’m usually “fine” or “all right” Really? No not really, but you weren’t really asking.)

This last Sunday though was like reliving the past. It wasn’t perfect and I’m learning to deal with not being perfect. I’m no longer paralyzed with despair. Meaning I don’t wake up wondering why I even bother waking up, or more exactly “Why the fuck couldn’t I have died in my sleep?” Life not being perfect is working out.

 That’s a play on words because I’ve been playing basketball and been lifting weights. I’m not even close to my old bench press weight, but I aim to surpass it by year-end. I have a goal :D.

Anyway, this last Sunday was Steve Bangalan’s birthday celebration. We’ve been friends since high school, and every year, Steve’s bash usually takes place at Cunningham Park in San Jose. But for some years now, I haven’t been able to make it for some reason or another. (A theme in my life – apparently astrological in nature according to Cousin Joey).

I’m glad I was able to make it this time though. It was what I needed to help me out of this rut. For the longest time, I felt shitty as I mentioned above. It was just an overall dissatisfaction with myself. The barbecue get-together with old friends in that familiar setting – a tradition of sorts, made my past memories real and living. Instead of living in nostalgia for a past or longing for an unobtainable perfect future – wanting and pining for what I could’ve had or should have, I was brought to the here and now. It was a Zen moment. 

Here I was with my friends (my inner circle) re-living one of my fondest memories. It was like Groundhog’s Day. Everything was the same but different. In that sense, it was identical; we were all relatively the same since high school except more grown. Some of us were more mature than others… I digress; what I’m saying is the connections are real. That Zen moment, that almost perfect Zen moment, I realize that I am happy. 

Yeah, maybe I’m not happy all the time, but that moment I was certainly happy. So I’m faced with this divergent path. Stay in the rut, drown in self-loathing, or move on & get over myself. It’s easier said than done when you’re in that deep. (And beating myself up is so much fun, because I am really good at it). Still, I was fortunate to be reminded of a past self. By reliving this memory in real time, seeing how we’ve all changed but how we were all still connected in the same ways, first made me cherish my friends. And second, helped me to see that I was happier before. Before I fell down the rabbit hole, I was happy with myself. Now it’s a struggle.

What I realize is that I’m not the only one projecting this out into the world. We’re all projecting beings (it’s our 6th sense if you will). So how hard is it to feel good about yourself, when others are putting you down. No not intentionally, they’re just displacing their own insecurities & neurosis onto the world. But it’s not helping you any right? Well you and me both.

I use to say I’m not happy until everyone else is happy. I think even then I realize how impossible that sounds. Still, I didn’t let it get to me. Yeah maybe it was youth, maybe I was naïve, and maybe I never experienced the crushing blow of defeat. I think in the growing up process, I lost some of that optimism. I’m searching for it now, and I’m trying to project a new light of myself onto the world. I don’t want to be miserable anymore – saying and admitting that is a pretty big step right?

So now I have to surround myself with hope and it’s similar light... 

...or the Light of Hope, or rather the Star of Light, like in the Star of Earendil

Here's to Hope, Life, Love, & Laughter.

(Lake Cunnigham, June 1,  2008)

___________________________________________________

 said the wise man.

___________________________________________________

Not many people know this, but on many an adventures sneaking back into San Jose unannounced, I sought wisdom from an old friend. Like Gandalf traversing the mountains and mines to Rivendell seeking counsel with Lord Elrond, I would shroud myself in the silver speeding stream doing seventy something in Alex, my ol' 99'Accord, towards Bangalan’s house. There I sought advice from Steve, it was he who told me that life is what you make of it. It was in these conversations that I learned true friendship is worth the distance every time. 

___________________________________________________

Two LotR, one Groundhog's Day, and one Alice in Wonderland references.  Ain't I awesome? Go me!

~Cal

___________________________________________________