A Lot Like...

If you Love someone, would you fight for him/her? Or would you let that person go?

I remember in high school when I asked my buddy, Mar [his name means sea], this question. There was no right or wrong answer; I just wanted to know what he thought. He told me then that you have to fight for the person that you love, you fight until you can’t fight anymore. Even then, I kind of knew…

I have abandonment issues. If you know the narrative, I thank you for being there [I don’t normally disclose much of the back story or early chapters of my life.] Along with abandonment issues, I have developed many defense mechanisms. That’s just who I am – no apologies. For the most part, my friends look past this. Not all our interactions require soul delving emotional safeguarding, but sometimes it comes up, and we let it go. It’s just easier not to talk about it.

This happens especially when it comes to Love, something I notice I rarely talk about [and I also notice no one really seems brave enough to address – save but a few, i.e. Crystal who I’m respecting more and more.] When it gets deep that’s when the plasma force field goes up. That’s when jets lift off the tarmac, and I go to Def Con 5. It’s a wonder I claimed to be emotionally retarded until... Well no, I still am, but now, it my be growing cynicism, but it seems like everyone, including myself, is emotionally retarded [Sorry, I know retarded is not a PC word, but it is what it is… to quote Hank, “It’s all good.”] Okay not everyone, I exaggerate, but still, plenty of people out there have never truly moved on. I speculate that this is because moving on is a myth. That someday all our emotional scares and baggage some how mysteriously disappear. I feel no one ever talks about the hurt that comes with Love.

It may be because I’m so guarded. I mean, I can’t expect people to start talking about Love, their experience, there thoughts and ideas, their hopes and dreams without first offering some of my own imposing stories. That’s just it – breaking barriers and connecting spirits. It’s a paradox: the harder you try the easier it seems, but the easier it seems, the harder it actually is. I don’t see people moving on, because they can’t get past themselves. We become our own guardian protecting ourselves from future hurt, but also stunting our emotional growth. We stop loving others and start loving only ourselves.

About guardedness and self-defense, it becomes apparent that [and this taps into what my friend Harmoni was saying] when it comes to fight or flight, we mostly chose the latter. It is rare to see a true fighter. I have become increasingly skeptic. Maybe I just don’t see it for myself? [B/n self doubt and self-loathing there’s not much room to Love]. It’s like what Bob Dylan said along the lines of it not mattering if everyone digs you, if you don’t dig yourself. You have to learn to love again, and it takes time. You have to be able to risk getting hurt.

Hurt is an interesting topic and goes hand in hand with Love. Someone [I don’t know who] once said that to truly know Love is to truly know hurt. Don’t ask, just think about it. I just saw the latest episode of Californication, a new risqué Showtime series, and Hank [who I quoted earlier] was talking to his daughter who had just had her heart crushed for the first time. She asked him if the hurt ever goes away, and admitting what he was about to say might be bad parenting, Hank replies that if she was lucky, it never will.

That’s how you know Love is worth it.

It's just about listening to my own advice now. I'm not quite ready.